Overcoming Communication Barriers Between People

When you send a message, you intend to communicate meaning, but the message itself doesn’t contain meaning. The meaning exists in your mind and in the mind of your receiver. To understand one another, you and your receiver must share similar meanings for words, gestures, tone of voice, and other symbols.

1. Differences in perception

The world constantly bombards us with information: sights, sounds, scents, and so on. Our minds organize this stream of sensation into a mental map that represents our perception or reality. In no case is the perception of a certain person the same as the world itself, and no two maps are identical. As you view the world, your mind absorbs your experiences in a unique and personal way. Because your perceptions are unique, the ideas you want to express differ from other people’s Even when two people have experienced the same event, their mental images of that event will not be identical. As senders, we choose the details that seem important and focus our attention on the most relevant and general, a process known as selective perception. As receivers, we try to fit new details into our existing pattern. If a detail doesn’t quite fit, we are inclined to distort the information rather than rearrange the pattern.

2. Incorrect filtering

Filtering is screening out before a message is passed on to someone else. In business, the filters between you and your receiver are many; secretaries, assistants, receptionists, answering machines, etc. Those same gatekeepers may also ‘translate’ your receiver’s ideas and responses before passing them on to you. To overcome filtering barriers, try to establish more than one communication channel, eliminate as many intermediaries as possible, and decrease distortion by condensing message information to the bare essentials.

3. Language problems

When you choose the words for your message, you signal that you are a member of a particular culture or subculture and that you know the code. The nature of your code imposes its own barriers on your message. Barriers also exist because words can be interpreted in more than one way. Language is an arbitrary code that depends on shared definitions, but there’s a limit to how completely any of us share the same meaning for a given word. To overcome language barriers, use the most specific and accurate words possible. Always try to use words your audience will understand. Increase the accuracy of your messages by using language that describes rather than evaluates and by presenting observable facts, events, and circumstances.

4. Poor listening

Perhaps the most common barrier to reception is simply a lack of attention on the receiver’s part. We all let our minds wander now and then, regardless of how hard we try to concentrate. People are essentially likely to drift off when they are forced to listen to information that is difficult to understand or that has little direct bearing on their own lives. Too few of us simply do not listen well! To overcome barriers, paraphrase what you have understood, try to view the situation through the eyes of other speakers and resist jumping to conclusions. Clarify meaning by asking non-threatening questions, and listen without interrupting.

5. Differing emotional states

Every message contains both a content meaning, which deals with the subject of the message, and a relationship meaning, which suggests the nature of the interaction between sender and receiver. Communication can break down when the receiver reacts negatively to either of these meanings. You may have to deal with people when they are upset or when you are. An upset person tends to ignore or distort what the other person is saying and is often unable to present feelings and ideas effectively. This is not to say that you should avoid all communication when you are emotionally involved, but you should be alert to the greater potential for misunderstanding that accompanies aroused emotions. To overcome emotional barriers, be aware of the feelings that arise in your self and in others as you communicate, and attempt to control them. Most important, be alert to the greater potential for misunderstanding that accompanies emotional messages.

6. Differing backgrounds

Differences in background can be one of the hardest communication barriers to overcome. Age, education, gender, social status, economic position, cultural background, temperament, health, beauty, popularity, religion, political belief, even a passing mood can all separate one person from another and make understanding difficult. To overcome the barriers associated with differing backgrounds, avoid projecting your own background or culture onto others. Clarify your own and understand the background of others, spheres of knowledge, personalities and perceptions and don’t assume that certain behaviors mean the same thing to everyone.

The Importance of Effective Communication

No matter how brilliant and invaluable your idea, it is worthless unless you can share it with others. For this reason, effective communication is crucial at every level of an organization. However, the ability to communicate effectively does not come easily to many people, and it is a skill that requires practice.

We begin practicing our communication skills even before we learn to walk. A newborn child communicates by crying, but it slowly learns to mimic its parents' speech. Eventually, the child discovers that certain speech patterns elicit different responses; one of the joys of parenting is trying to decipher the meaning behind certain “words.” Does “baaaaaw” mean that the baby wants his ball, his bottle, or his blanket? Slowly, through trial and error, the child learns to manipulate sounds to get what it wants, and as the child develops, this active oral practice leads to more nuanced and fluid conversations. In short, the child learns effective communication.

To effectively communicate a complex idea, however, requires skills beyond elementary conversation. There are two golden rules to remember and follow.

Golden Rule #1: Organize thoughts in your mind before sharing them with others.

One idea often prompts a torrent of others. In order to share your ideas, you must first shape them coherently. Organization is important, because it creates a pattern for your listener, allowing him or her to grasp the larger picture intuitively. This allows the listener to focus on the details of your message, without struggling to understand how you went from Point A to Point B.

As a thought experiment, imagine that a colleague has asked you for directions to the airport. Write them down. Your directions will probably look something like:

* Drive west half a mile on Aurora.

* Take a left on Madison.

* At the third light, turn right and follow Dexter for 2-3 miles.

* Get on the interstate, heading south.

* Etc.

Now, with a pair of scissors, cut each line of instructions into a small strip of paper. Jumble the strips up and arrange them in a completely random order, then give them to your colleague. Even with mixed-up directions, s/he should have no trouble reaching the airport, right? After all, your directions are complete and accurate. Not a single step is missing.

The problem, of course, is that your directions are also completely unorganized, rendering them useless. Your colleague will find it impossible to focus on your message itself, because he or she will struggle to follow your message's structure (or lack thereof).

Golden Rule #2: Communication is collaborative, not competitive.

Thrusting your idea on others mars the beauty and integrity of conversation. Communication is in some ways like a dance; each partner plays off the other, basing his or her steps on the other person's, while simultaneously maintaining a certain amount of individuality.

Communication is a two-way process involving an exchange of ideas. If you try to make it one-way, you prevent this exchange and will eventually frustrate the other person. You may also frustrate yourself, if you read the other person's lack of verbosity as disinterest in the conversation, rather than an inability to get a word in.

The hallmark of effective communication is the coherent verbal projection of your ideas, so that your listener receives the message that you intend to send. By observing these two rules, you will reduce miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Internal Communication: 12 Essential Elements

There are 12 essential elements of a successful internal communications strategy:

1. Effective employee-directed communications must be led from the top
Effective communications require the active commitment and endorsement of senior managers. It is not enough simply to develop a 'vision statement' or formulate in general terms the values by which the company lives. Behaviour is what counts. Managers must be seen to behave in a manner that is consistent with the ethos they are promoting.

2. The essence of good communications is consistency
At all costs, avoid following fashion and tinkering. If you try to improve communications and then fail—because your messages are inconsistent or are ‘good news only'—things will not quietly settle back into the way they used to be. You will inevitably have created expectations, and may have to live with the consequences of having disappointed those expectations.

3. Successful employee communications owe as much to consistency, careful planning and attention to detail as they do to charisma or natural gifts
We might not all be another Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins or Bill Clinton. But even such communication ‘giants' slip up if they fail to plan, fail to pay attention to detail and fail to project a consistent message.

4. Communication via the line manager is most effective
‘ Line Manager to employee' communication is an opportunity for people to ask questions and check that they have understood the issues correctly. However, be aware that business urgency and reality may dictate the need, on many occasions, to inform employees directly rather than relying entirely on the cascade process. (Though managers will still need to answer people's questions and listen to their views.)

5. Employee communications are not optional extras, they are part of business as usual and should be planned and budgeted for as such
An employee communications plan—key themes, targets, objectives and resources—provides a context in which to deliver initiatives that arise at short notice.

6. There must be integration between internal and external communications
There must be a fit between what you are telling your people and what you are telling your customers, shareholders and public. (By the same token, there must be a fit between what you are telling your people, and what the external media are telling them.)

7. Timing is critical
However clearly expressed and well-presented your message may be, if it arrives at the wrong time you might as well not have bothered. Old news is often worse than no news. Consequently, it is important to ensure that the channels you use can really deliver at the time you need them to.

8. Tone is important
Expressing overly-gushing enthusiasm about a technical change of little real significance to your staff or public at large is scarcely calculated to make people take your message to heart. If they don't take that message to heart, why would they take the rest of what you say to their bosoms?

9. Never lose sight of the ‘what's in it for me?' factor
We are self-interested creatures. I may have invented the most amazing gadget ever, but unless I get you emotionally involved you are never likely to listen to my message about it. But if I can show you how my gadget will revolutionise your life, add dollars to your wallet, free up your time, fix your smelly feet, wash your car for you, stop your kids arguing with you, bring peace with your spouse, bring world peace…

10. Communication is a two-way process
Employee communications are NOT a one-way information dump. Capturing feedback is of critical importance, and if you are not seen to be listening and acting on what you are told, why should people bother telling you?

11. A single key theme or a couple of key themes is a means of giving coherence to a range of diverse employee communications initiatives
In recent years, the overriding theme of many corporate employee communications has been the impact on the business of competition, regulation and economic forces. Many messages and initiatives can therefore be evaluated according to the light they shed on one or more of these key themes.

12. Set your standards and stick to them
Determine which channels should be mandatory and which should be optional; establish quality standards for all channels and review these at least annually.

How Do I Manage Workplace Conflict?

Workplace Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of business life and not all conflict is negative. Most people would agree that where there are people there is conflict.

Some workplace conflict is healthy and if viewed positively can be an opportunity and catharsis for you and your business to effect positive change! It’s all how you think about it.

However where unhealthy conflict raises its head repeatedly this has potential risk to cause your business negative consequences. These negative consequences can have far reaching effects and added costs to your bottom line if not nipped in the bud quickly.

Common causes of workplace conflict may include

• Poor communications

• Mushroom effect – no one knows what’s happening around here

• Unrealistic work expectations

• Overwork

• Stress

• Personality clashes (a lack of ability to get on or want to get one with people different from you)

• Favouritism

• Poor leadership

Communication is the glue that holds relationships together in your business. Your employees want to feel valued and know that you are interested in them. Poor communication is the number one topic raised by employees in questionnaires conducted in the workplace.

Negative stress has the power to cripple your business! Sometimes as a business owner you may allow referred stress (our personal stress) to be transferred unwittingly on your employees. This is likely to lead to your business experiencing the negative consequences of friction, decreased morale and potentially employees may undermine your business.

Personality clashes are often where one person at the workplace has an inability to get along another colleague or simply doesn’t want to! There are many reasons for this however it is imperative that you hire the person who has the right cultural fit for your business.

In Australia as is common in many countries where their is Occupational Health and Safety legislation, the law places a legal obligation (something you must do) on employers to provide a healthy and safe workplace.

You can be found vicariously liable for the actions of your employees if you have been found not to have complied with your obligations.

What can your business do? You can be proactive and manage workplace conflict by

• Inducting Employees into the workplace

• Implement a Grievance Policy and Procedure

• Regular employee communications

• If you sniff trouble act!

• Take advice

• Consider mediation

• Do not procrastinate

Your business may be experiencing workplace conflict but there are practical and positive solutions available to your business. You are not alone! By way of example Biz Momentum (www.biz-momentum.com)have assisted a number of businesses who faced potential ruin because of employee conflict and today those same businesses are thriving.

Your business can move through difficult phases and thrive - its all how you see conflct and how soon you take action.

Gossip - A Form of Workplace Violence

To many folks, the idea of “workplace violence” connotes the physical harm that one may do to another. However, there is another form of workplace violence that is as dangerous and insidious, and this is workplace gossip.

Gossip is any language that would cause another harm, pain, or confusion that is used outside the presence of another for whom it is intended.

As a facilitator, trainer and business coach, I've experienced numerous workplace situations where gossip was a norm. Curiously enough, in these same organizations, most folks would say they were "against" it. Even more, in these same situations, after formal meetings to discuss the "gossip issue," after sensitivity workshops designed to reduce and eliminate pernicious gossip, after mandating "there be no more gossip..." and after pledging to have more honest, open and direct communication (wherein folks verbalized their "commitment” to speak directly to a colleague, in order to eliminate the "gossip problem,") many of these same committed folks consciously choose to continue to engage in the practice of gossip.

Why?

Gossip is essentially a form of attack, which often arise from an individual’s conscious and unconscious fears. For some people, their ostensible commitment "not to gossip" is easily lost in their fears, anxieties, or concerns about what their life might be like if they stopped gossiping. (e.g., “Who would I be then?” What would I do then?” “How would I be one of the guys…?” "Would I have to eat lunch alone?" "Would I lose all my friends?") Some broader definitions of gossip not only relate to "negative" remarks, but even extend to "positive" or "neutral" remarks that are focused on making conversation that is centered on the activities/behaviors of others, again, outside the presence of that person.

Stopping the practice of "talking about others" is challenging for many. Why? Many folks just can't be authentic in life. So, many revert to the self-defense mechanism of gossiping, which is a defense mechanism or self-protection device they use to so they never have to :show up", or be vulnerable, or disclose information about their feelings or emotions, or "open up". For these folks, gossiping is a strategy for protecting against revealing one's real or true self. These folks have walked around for so long wearing masks and assuming false identities, that opening up and revealing who they really, really are is just downright frightening and threatening.

So, one's inner desire to be authentic and sincere, and not gossip, needs to emerge from a person's deep sense of integrity, and from a conscious, heart-felt desire to be harmless in the context of their life and in their interactions with others.

Without this profound inner commitment to harmlessness, an injunction to "stop gossiping", for example, is simply an “outer” induced rule or policy that can often bring up ego-based behaviors in reaction to the "rule." So, one continues to find "excuses" (since there's never a "reason") to gossip.

From this outer perspective toward gossiping, some people may take on the role of being an enforcer of the rule; others may not want to “enforce” the rule because they don’t wish to be perceived as too assertive, too aggressive, too pushy, or too tough when they call others on their gossiping. In addition, others may not want to be identified as a "do-gooder", "crusader", or "spiritual" etc.

In addition, there are those folks who want or need to be liked and accepted, and who want or need others to feel comfortable with them, and so they often continue to engage in the gossip when approached. Why? They don't want to feel like the "odd one out."

So, at the end of the day (and throughout the day!), the commitment not to gossip often dissipates rather quickly over time.

Or, someone may be "upholding the rule" outwardly, but still be gossiping in their thoughts, still sending out hostile vibrations, and just being “quiet” about it. Often, this covert behavior is even more dangerous and insidious.

Gossip is a fear-based behavior and so one's need for self-protection (i.e., not "show up" authentically) is often greater than one’s initial commitment "not to gossip." The self-protection brings a kind of pseudo safety and false sense of well-being that might otherwise be in jeopardy; so one continues to gossip to keep the focus on "someone else, not me."

For other folks, the issue is not so much that they're consciously being self-protective; it's when they DON'T KNOW they are being self-protective that is critical, and thus, many people are unable to take self-responsibility for their behavior. As a result, many folks begin to look outside themselves (blame, find fault, complain, whine...) when they fail to take responsibility for themselves, as they don’t have the awareness to go inside to explore "what's up." So, they gossip and look to fine some "reason", out there, to gossip.

Unless we truly explore our inner behavior (mental models, self-images, ego constructs, super-ego judgments, attendant beliefs, feelings and emotions), we cannot be free from both the urge and the habit of gossip.

We can stop gossiping in the workplace only when an inner desire emerges from a deep sense of integrity and authenticity, and a conscious desire to be harmless in the context of our life and in our interactions with others.

Gossip is a form of workplace violence. To be free from inflicting this violence on others we need to explore and heal the split between our outer self and inner self. Only then can we live honest, sincere and responsible lives in the workplace, and out.

How to coach yourself about gossiping:

Why am I engaging in gossiping or supporting others who do so? What does gossiping get me? Is there another way to get this same result without harming another? Does gossiping align with my personal and my organization's espoused values around respecting and honoring people? Would I repeat this gossip directly to the person it’s about? Would I want to be quoted on TV or in the papers or in the company newsletter? Would I encourage my children to engage in the behavior of gossip? Would I engage in it if it were about a relative or personal friend? Am I expressing my authenticity, sincerity, and integrity when I gossip? Does gossiping match my commitments to my self and others? Do I feel ethical when I'm gossiping?

Influencing Skills - How To Influence People

There is no right way, nor is there only one way to influence others. Everything, but everything, is a factor when influencing people.

And we are, all of us, influenced by people, places, events and situations at all times. Sometimes we are affected more or less by these things, but we are continually being influenced by what happens around us.

So what about the specifics in the workplace?

Your job requires you to influence people just about all of the time. It may take the form of gaining support, inspiring others, persuading other people to become your champions, engaging someone's imagination, creating relationships.

Whatever form it takes, being an excellent influencer makes your job easier.

An interesting point about people who use their influencing skills well, is that other people like being around them. There's a kind of exciting buzz, or sense that things happen when they're about.

It's because they don't sit around wishing things were different while moaning there's nothing they can do about it.

They don't sit around blaming others or complaining about what needs fixing that will make things better. They see what needs doing and set about getting it done.

Truly excellent influencing skills require a healthy combination of interpersonal, communication, presentation and assertiveness techniques.

It is about adapting and modifying your personal style when you become aware of the affect you are having on other people, while still being true to yourself. Behaviour and attitude change are what's important, not changing who you are or how you feel and think.

You may try to exert your influence through coercion and manipulation. You might even succeed in getting things done; but that isn't really influencing. That's forcing people to do what you want, often against their will. You won't have succeeded in winning support.

Pushing, bullying, bludgeoning or haranguing DO NOT WORK! Like elephants, people will remember the experience.

Indeed, if you force someone to do something you want, without taking their point of view into consideration, then the impression that person is left with is how they will see you forever. You're stuck with it, unless you deliberately change what you do in order to be seen differently.

People are far more willing to come halfway (or more) if they feel acknowledged, understood and appreciated. They may even end up doing or agreeing to something they wouldn't previously have done because they feel good about making the choice.

Influencing is about understanding yourself and the effect or impact you have on others. Though it can, on occasion, be one way, the primary relationship is two way, and it is about changing how others perceive you.

In other words, the cliché, perception is reality, makes perfect sense in the context of influencing.

It doesn't matter what's going on internally for you - if it isn't perceived by the other person, then it doesn't exist, other than in your mind.

You could be doing the most brilliant presentation you've ever created, but if you haven't brought your 'audience' with you, the brilliance is wasted. And that's about being able to see what's going on for them, which will be different, however much you may have in common.

Influencing can sometimes be looked at as the ability to 'finesse', almost sleight of hand. The other person isn't prodded into seeing your view of the world, but is persuaded, often unconsciously, into understanding it.

Sometimes you can get so used to your own personal style or way of being or pattern of communicating, that you don't think of how it is being received, and you don't think of behaving in any other way.

Influencing is about being able to move things forward, without pushing, forcing or telling others what to do.

Now what we know is that one of the most powerful forces that affect people's behaviour is the avoidance of humiliation.

No one wants to embarrass themselves if they can help it. So changing your behaviour entails a certain risk.

But if that behaviour change is deliberate, and you have made an effort to see the world from the other person's point of view, then humiliation can be avoided on both sides.

Whatever the arena you work in influencing others is about having the confidence and willingness to use yourself to make things happen. Influencing people is also the ability to 'work' a dynamic, whether it's a large group, one to one or over the phone.

By 'working' the dynamic, we mean using everything at your disposal, both verbal and non-verbal communication, to create the impact you want, rather than letting things just happen.

Favoritism In The Workplace

Seeing favoritism in the workplace can be one of the most demotivating things you might experience.

In the workplace, favoritism refers to when someone appears to be treated better than others and not necessarily for reasons related to superior work performance.

Favoritism in the workplace might result in this person being promoted faster than others unfairly, being paid more to do the same job as others, being given more leeway to come and go during the day as they please, that sort of thing.

The end result is that they appear to be treated better than others and for no valid reason.

In each case, the favoritism they are given seems to you to correlate less to their abilities and more because they know the right person or people.

Favoritism can occur in pretty much any office environment large or small. How you react to the favoritism really depends on how blatant it is, if it’s proveable and whether or not it’s illegal. Your company’s willingness to tolerate such behavior is also key.

Before you consider going public with a complaint about favoritism think about the possible consequences.

Whistleblowers are increasingly being offered more protection in some countries but whether or not your complaint is legitimate and proveable might be the biggest obstacle and a public announcement could end up causing you long-term grief.

If the favoritism you are witnessing is holding you back or hurting you and you feel it is based on illegal reasons – race, sex, age, etc – you might consider legal action but you’d obviously need proof of wrong doing to have a case.

You might also ask if your current job is worth fighting for? Do you want to work for a company that tolerates favoritism if you can find a better opportunity elsewhere?

Depending on the specific situation, you might have a hard time proving favoritism or getting any sort of positive resolution otherwise.

Short of getting a new job, you might consider exploring other options depending on your situation such as consulting with a labor lawyer or speaking with a Human Resources rep from your company.

Also make sure you are familiar with your company's policies towards this issue. They may have processes in place that can help you and guide you.

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Today's successful organizations are the ones which carry on open and honest communications with their employees. If employees know and understand the mission, they will help communicate it to customers.

Here are some employee communication methods and the pros and cons of each. As in marketing communications, a multi-media approach will be most effective when delivering honest and open communication.

Meetings and Discussion Groups

Pros – Effective. Allow immediate response and feedback. Allow Q&A. Delivers message that management cares and wants open communication. Also, one of employees’ top preferred methods.

Cons – Consistency at risk with many different group leaders involved. Hard to evaluate. Can get out-of-hand and become counter-productive. Management time required.

Newsletters

Pros – Consistent, controlled message. Big picture message can be combined with local messages, allowing you to tailor to location, audience. Relatively inexpensive. Timely.

Cons – Not a society of readers. Impersonal.

Television

Pros – Consistency, control, timeliness. Chosen spokesperson speaks directly to audience. We are a TV society, so people relate well to this method. Live interaction through teleconferencing provides some of the benefits of face-to-face meetings.

Cons – Distribution. Cost. Time required on the part of the spokesperson.

Audio Tapes/CDs

Pros – Consistency, control, timeliness. Chosen spokesperson speaks directly to audience. Relatively low cost. Ease of use (most people have access to cassette/CD players at home, work or in the car.)

Cons – Distribution. Time required on the part of the spokesperson.

An Office Affair: Just Say No!

The office affair. File it under “it seemed like a good idea at the time” or perhaps “I should have known better.”

While I have worked with a handful of couples who met at work and ended up living happily ever after – at least so far anyways – having an office affair in my opinion is not a great long-term career decision.

Especially if it's a clandestine affair.

And it could be a career limiting decision with your employer if it goes REALLY bad.

I’m not referring to when two co-workers start seeing each other and where one or both of them are married to other people. If you need to be told that this is not a good idea, then an article probably isn’t going to help you see the light.

I’m specifically referring to when two co-workers who are both single start seeing one another.

Certainly it can be difficult to meet that special someone and it’s reasonable that when two single co-workers spend a great deal of time with each other that they might become attracted to one another.

Rather than trying to prove a point, I will instead list several possible outcomes of two co-workers having an office affair that you should think about before doing anything you may regret later on:

Think about the worst case scenario that could occur if things end poorly.

• Does the company have a policy against office relationships and if so, can you be fired if it becomes public knowledge (which it most likely will)?
• Could becoming involved with a co-worker create a possible conflict if you end the relationship badly? Will you still have to work closely with them in the future?
• If you are planning on having an office affair without letting anyone know, how will co-workers and management react if and when they find out especially if there is a company policy against it? How will it then look if it appears the two of you were also deliberately hiding it?
• And if you are thinking about having an affair with a subordinate, consider the possible legal ramifications if this person gets fired and blames you.

Having an office affair can be considered by some employers to be a case of very bad judgment on the part of the people who take part in them. It could be grounds for firing especially if the position you hold is high profile enough to possibly become a public embarrassment to the company.

What would you tell a future potential employer about why you left your last job if it was because you were fired for having an office affair?

I’ve read some statistics that indicate that many couples admit to having met at work so certainly it does happen. Understanding your employer’s policy and what the possible consequences are for having an office affair before starting one are paramount.

Even if you aren’t fired, it could end up being a career-limiting move that lowers the opinion that co-workers and superiors have of you especially if things go bad and the gossip starts.

Carl Mueller is an Internet entrepreneur and professional recruiter. Carl has helped many job searchers find their dream career and would like to help clear up some of the job search myths that exist while helping people avoid common mistakes that cost them jobs.

Workplace Conflict: FAQs -- An Interview with Judy Ringer

Does conflict disrupt your workplace environment? Read on! Judy Ringer answers some commonly asked questions on the subjects of workplace conflict, difficult people, and how to manage them more effectively.

Q. What are some typical breakdowns in the workplace?

JR: I wouldn’t call them breakdowns, but conflicts. A typical conflict is what is sometimes called triangulation. One person is upset with their coworker, and instead of speaking with the co-worker about their concern, they talk to someone else about it or many others about it. Office gossip starts this way.

Different work styles, misunderstanding of roles, jumping to conclusions -- these are all ways that conflicts get started.

Q. Why do people keep falling into the same traps in the workplace?

JR: Our training is insufficient. We’ve been trained to deal with conflict in ways that are not useful. A typical myth about conflict is that it is negative. And so we see people around us either avoiding it or acting out their feelings. The triangulation example demonstrates this myth. I’m afraid to speak directly to you about a conflict, but I will talk to others about it. And so the problem doesn’t go away. In fact it often gets worse.

We keep falling into these traps because we see others doing it that way. In spite of the fact that it doesn’t work, it’s what we know so we keep doing it, hoping for a different result. Of course that doesn’t work, and we keep having the same conflicts.

Q. Please give some examples of disrespectful behavior.

JR: This is an important question. It helps to understand that behavior that appears disrespectful to me may not appear the same to you. Did she mean to be disrespectful? Or is she just tired this morning? Or shy? Or preoccupied? (The list goes on.)

On the other hand, ignoring a new supervisor’s request to perform a task differently can show disrespect, especially if you don’t communicate about it. Eye rolling, sighing, clicking your tongue, giggling conspiratorially with another coworker -- these often show a willing disrespect.

Sometimes we don’t know we’re being disrespectful. It’s important that new employees understand the work culture and what does and does not constitute disrespect. Social skills are learned. One of the supervisor’s jobs is to help employees understand when their actions are perceived as disrespectful and to give them alternatives. A good supervisor is a good teacher.

Q. How do I know if my boss is a tormentor or a teacher?

JR: Ha! That’s up to you. You decide. You have that power. Our most difficult situations, coworkers, and bosses can turn out to be teachers if we choose to learn something about why we react to them. What would it take to change my attitude from making a judgment about them to being curious about them, or being curious about my reaction to their behavior?

And I don’t mean to say that the boss is necessarily right or that his behavior is beyond reproach. What I mean is that I have to make some choices about how to handle what’s coming at me from this person. I could talk to him about the impact his behavior is having on me, the team, and our ability to get the job done. Or I could complain to others. Do I have the awareness and skill to notice my resistance, check out which of my buttons are being pushed, and make a wise decision about how to proceed?

Maybe I find that if I change slightly I can regain some confidence and equanimity and be able to handle the situation more effectively. This is how a tormentor becomes a teacher. As I learn about myself I begin to have new options.

Q. How can an employee create a win-win situation with a tormentor?

JR: You begin by being curious. What would make a reasonable, rational person behave this way? The answer is usually something you can identify with. For example, an authoritarian boss usually has values around perfection, looking good, being in control, and getting the job done correctly. I certainly can identify with these intentions. The way the boss acts out the intention may be rough. But now you have the basis for a conversation. You’re entering in a more positive way, and you can talk about commonalities.

Another way to create win-win solutions is by asking useful questions of the other person. What is important to them in this conflict? What would they like the outcome to be? One of the best questions I ever raised in a conflict was to ask the other person what caused them to be so upset with me, and what I might have done differently. She was happy to tell me. I learned a lot.

Q. What are some tips to handle strong emotions in the workplace?

JR: Begin by acknowledging the emotions. Take a minute and take stock of your own emotions. Name them. Are you angry, sad, happy, surprised, disappointed? Usually there are many emotions happening simultaneously. Acknowledge as many as you can. Next, identify the underlying causes. Often there’s a story connected to the emotion that’s causing you to react but has nothing to do with the current event. If you can identify the story (usually an old, familiar one), you can bring some awareness to the situation. The awareness tells you how much of the emotion has to do with the current event and how much of it is from the past event. Once you know, you can choose how to utilize the energy. For example, with a huge emotion, you might be tempted to hide it or to act it out on the other person. When you get a sense about why the event is so charged, you’ll regain some balance and be able to make a wiser decision about how to (or even if you want to) have a conversation with the person instead.

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings as well. Consider what story they might be telling themselves, and inquire about it. For example: “You sound upset (acknowledgment). Are you? Have I said something that caused you to react this way (inquiry)?” It just takes practice, like anything else.

Q. Can you give five tips to managing a difficult conversation?

JR: Most books on this topic, though they may speak differently about them, identify the same basic skills for handling difficult conversations:

1. Start with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and gain control of them. Breathe. Identify your desired outcome for the conversation and try to guess at theirs. What do they want? What do you want?

2. Be curious. Inquire. Find out how they see the situation. Ask useful questions and listen. Don’t judge or make assumptions. Don’t take it personally. This is their story and they can tell it whatever way they want. Support them.

3. Acknowledge their story and their feelings. Validate their concerns. This doesn’t mean you agree. It means that you hear them. It’s a tremendous gift and moves the conversation in a useful direction. You get a gift, too. You learn a lot about what’s important to this person, which will be helpful when you begin to look for solutions.

4. Advocate for yourself. What is your story? What are they not seeing? Explain how the situation looks from your perspective. Go slowly and don’t assume.

5. Build solutions based on new understanding. As you begin to listen and talk, information comes out that will help you co-create effective solutions with your partner.

Dealing with Difficult People

How do you deal with difficult, irrational, or abusive people, especially those in positions of authority who have some degree of control over your life?

I’ve never met a totally rational human being. Our ability to store and process information is far too imperfect for that. But our emotions are a shortcut. The book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman describes people diagnosed with alexathemia, the condition whereby people either don’t feel emotions or are completely out of touch with their emotions. You’d think such people would be hyper-rational, but they aren’t. They can’t even function in society. They have no emotional context for deciding what’s important to them, so earning a dime is just as important as earning a million dollars. They’ll spend hours on tasks others would consider trivialities, like deciding what time to schedule a dentist appointment. Our emotions are a logical shortcut — we “feel” the difference between the relevant and the irrelevant.

On to dealing with difficult or irrational people…

I certainly haven’t been sheltered from such people, even though I’ve only been an “employee” for a total of six months of my life when I was in college. They’re everywhere! I’ve still had to deal with irrational/abusive people in business deals, landlords, etc. But such people rarely get to me because of how I deal with them on two levels:

1) There was a story about the Buddha where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you. This takes practice, but there are many mental imagery techniques that can help. I usually visualize the anger as a red energy that bounces off me or passes through me and simply returns to the source. This is a message to my subconscious mind to acknowledge that the anger belongs completely to the other person. So this part tackles the other person’s affect on my emotional state. And it works very well. I never lose my cool unless I’m doing it on purpose for some specific reason. Sometimes it’s better to respond to an angry person with some shouting of your own and then slowly bring them back down. I also mentally acknowledge that it’s probably a lack of love and happiness in their life that causes them to behave as they do.

2) Now that you’ve gotten your emotions handled, you still have to deal with the practicalities of this person and their affect on your life. Sometimes it’s enough to just manage your emotions, but other times that isn’t enough — you need to take action to address the situation. In this case I use my logic and intelligence to decide what to do, depending on the specifics of the situation. It’s like playing a game of chess — if I do this, then how will this person react? Even with irrational and hurtful people, their behavior is often predictable to some degree if you know a little about them. Human behavior is purposeful, but it can be hard to figure out the other person’s intentions. Use what you do know to anticipate their responses to various possible actions you might take. Your information may be imperect, but do the best you can. Think of it as an exercise in risk management. Here are some possible actions:

* Remove the person from your life. This is a bit extreme, but sometimes it’s the best option. If your landlord is really bad, consider moving. If your boss or coworkers are terrible, leave. Many years ago I once told a friend I could no longer continue to have him in my life because he was deeply into software piracy, and I just didn’t want that kind of influence in my life.

* Confront the person about his/her behavior directly. Raise your standards for what you’re willing to accept in your life, and enforce them. This strategy is my personal favorite, but some people aren’t comfortable with it. The advantage of this approach is that you stop playing games, and you find out exactly where you stand with the other person. This is what I’d use if I had a difficult boss or coworker — I’d just lay everything out on the table with that person, explain why certain things were no longer tolerable for me, and detail what I wanted to see happen. Now the other person may decline your “demands,” but then at least you know where you stand and can decide based on that. Paint a line, and if the other person crosses it, you now know the abuse is willful.

* Use behavioral conditioning on the other person. I know of a team that did this with their verbally abusive boss. They conditioned their boss to be encouraging and supportive. Going to their boss and confronting him just didn’t work, so they got together and worked out a behavioral conditioning strategy. They stopped reward his negative behavior and began rewarding his positive behavior. Whenever he was abusive, he would either be ignored, or his employee(s) would say, “Are you intending to manipulate me through verbal abuse?” They would constantly point out to their boss when he was being abusive. But whenever he was the least bit encouraging, like if he said, “good work” or “thank you,” they’d point that out too and thank him for his kindness and encouragement. Withing a few weeks, this boss had completely turned around. I wrote a previous entry on behavioral conditioning techniques, so there are other ways to gently change another person. But this assumes you have enough leverage on the person.

* Get leverage, and use that leverage to force action. This can be risky, but sometimes it’s the best option. You might need to see if you can get another person fired if they really are hurting productivity. In software companies it isn’t uncommon for a team to petition management to fire a weak member that’s holding them back. I use this a lot myself when dealing with difficult people in business in cases of willful misconduct. You contact everyone who does business with that person to let them know what’s happening. And if it’s a big enough deal, through in local govt reps and members of the press too. You might think of this as the whistleblower strategy.

* Let it go. Sometimes this is the best option if someone injures you in some way. Just let it go and move on.

There’s a deeper issue here too… Are the reasons you’re allowing this difficult person to remain in your life valid? For example, if you make money a higher priority than quality of life, then how can you complain when you get the former but sacrifice the latter?

I think people often have a hard time making quality of life a high enough priority — we’re taught to just suck it up and tolerate it if we have a difficult boss (and then die of a heart attack or stroke). The one time I was an employee, I didn’t particularly like my boss; he behaved like a jerk and didn’t seem too bright either. But I also figured that if I was a lifelong employee, I might have other bosses like this too, and it wouldn’t always be convenient to quit. So I decided not to be an employee. Then when I worked with retail game publishers, I encountered dishonesty and incompetence, and this was so common that I felt it would be hard to run that kind of business and not have to deal with such people, so I decided not to work with those people either. When I switched to doing game development independently, I loved the people and really enjoyed it, so I stuck with that for years. I chose not to base my career around working with difficult people. And now that I’m getting into speaking, I’m having a great time at that too, and I get along great with the people, so I’m happy on this path too.

It seems that different kinds of careers attract different kinds of people, and some industries seem to attract more jerks than others. You don’t have to work in a slaughterhouse (which reportedly has the highest turnover rate for any kind of job), but you don’t have to work in a tech sweathouse either. You might think that dealing with a difficult boss is a “have to,” but it isn’t. You can’t control everything, but in most cases you have enough control over your life to avoid having to deal with such people. Just because everyone else around you tolerates an abusive boss doesn’t mean you have to.

How Movies Can Help You Deal with Romance at the Workplace

Mixing business with “pleasure” has never been a recipe for a “happily ever after” and sex in the workplace seems to cause pain more often than satisfaction. Every year, an average of 15,000 claims are filed for sexual harassment in the workplace; news headlines about sexual scandals between prominent bosses and work subordinates provoke public contempt and outrage; more families and couples split as a result of an extramarital affair that one of the spouses began in the workplace; and more psychotherapists treat patients experiencing the aftermaths of a workplace romance gone sour. Such aftermaths may range from feeling angry, confused, humiliated and depressed to having been fired from the job, sometimes without even a letter of recommendation.

More companies today are enforcing work dating policies, providing training about work romance, or choosing to show lenience toward romantic involvement among employees, so long as it doesn’t threaten productivity and team effort. And yet, so many people are not clear about the rules of romance at work. Still a taboo and a subject for tabloid gossip, sex and romance at work is considered a thorny issue most of us wish would go away. Whether you are an employer or employee, here is how to prepare your personnel and yourself to deal with Cupid striking at the office:

Know The Definition of Sexual Harassment. Sexual harassment occurs when one employee makes continued, unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, to another employee, against his or her wishes. This unwanted behavior affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with this person’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.

The film “Disclosure”, illustrates how sexual harassment is the abuse of power that violates another person’s moral, ethical and emotional boundaries. The films shows how a computer specialist is sued for sexual harassment by a former lover turned boss, whose purpose is to incriminate him and destroy both his career and his personal life.

If you are being sexually harassed don’t stay silent hoping it will go away. This behavior usually escalates if you don’t stop the harasser with a firm, proactive stand. Call the person on their behavior immediately, ask them to stop and warn them that you will report them if they continue. If it continues, report the harassment. Your employer has the responsibility to take each complaint seriously and investigate.

Deal Appropriately with Sexual Advances from Coworkers. A sexual advance may be a straightforward expression of sexual attraction to a coworker, a blunt invitation for a physical relationship, or flirtatious behavior that has gone overboard.

In the movies, Andy, the central character of “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, neutralizes his female boss’s advances by staying loyal to his values. His boss understands. When he gets promoted, it is not because of sexual favors but because of his job performance.

Real life often resembles the movies. If you stay loyal to your values and keep your work priorities straight, you too can achieve success without losing your integrity.

Honor Your Work First, then Your Sex Fantasies. In the film “A Time to Kill” a young and handsome Mississippi lawyer is handling with admirable strength a tough criminal case and a very attractive assistant. Even though the sexual chemistry between them sizzles, he chooses to channel his passion into the case, which he wins.

If you ever feel irresistibly attracted to a coworker, before you give into your fantasies do a reality check. Examine how it would affect your work if you consummated your sexual attraction. If you realize that it would jeopardize your work—and your relationship with your colleague—then you should honor your work and look for a different outlet for your fantasies. Don’t ever Start An Extramarital Affair in The Workplace. In “The Firm”, young attorney Mitch is the victim of a corrupt law firm that throws its employees into extramarital affairs and then blackmails them to extort their loyalty. He has a company-induced affair that costs him his marriage and his sanity. The movie has a happy ending only because Mitch fights very hard to recover the love of his wife.

In real life, extramarital affairs in the workplace never have a happily ever after. Besides the agony of being discovered at home, the parties involved live with the constant stress of being discovered at work. When this happens be prepared to cut your losses. And those losses may include your reputation, your family, your job, the person you have the affair with, or all of the above.

When You Date A Colleague, Set Post-Breakup Rules from The Beginning.In the classic film “The Apartment” C.C. Baxter climbs the career ladder by lending his apartment to his boss for his extramarital trysts. He’s also falling in love with his coworker, Fran. All seems to work fine, until he discovers that Fran is also his boss’s mistress. How will they all emerge from such perplexed dynamics and keep their jobs?

In real life, a romance with a coworker always has some impact on your work life. Once you know each other intimately, you become more vulnerable to each other. This is why you must draw up a contract in which you specify how you will preserve your working relationship, should your personal relationship not last. Sign it and honor it, in case you break up. It’s a smart thing to do. You don’t want a situation like Baxter and Fran’s. Stay Away from Office Sex Gossip. In the French comedy “The Closet”, the main character François spreads false rumors at work that he is gay, hinting that he will sue the management if they fire him for sexual discrimination. As sex gossip spreads in the office it creates havoc in his coworkers’ careers and personal lives with consequences that vary from hilarious to severe.

In real life, you should avoid office havoc by staying away from gossip about your coworkers’ sexual orientation and sex life. When a coworker confesses to you an affair with another coworker, politely decline to become their sounding board. Protect your self and your job. You never know how office sex gossip may backfire or used against you, whether you have generated it or not.

When Cupid Strikes at The Office, Keep Your Romance Private. In the movie “Kindergarten Cop”, tough guy detective Kimble goes into a school undercover as a kindergarten teacher to investigate a case. He ends up falling in love with Joyce, another school teacher who is also the very subject of his investigation. But this is true love and it changes Kimble’s destiny. Leaving the police force, he returns to Joyce and her school as real kindergarten teacher.

In real life, if you have found your soul mate in a certain coworker and you want your budding romance to have a happily ever after, you must keep it private until it becomes a serious, mutual commitment. Never transfer in the workplace personal conflicts with the person you date. Always respect each other as coworkers. Make your romance public only when it’s a solid relationship that you know will last. Then, it’s a time to celebrate. Congratulations! You have shown discretion and good judgment!

Knowing how to navigate successfully the dark waters of romance in the workplace, should be part of your job training. Follow these guidelines as rules of conduct to ensure your career and safeguard your personal life, every time Cupid’s arrow threaten to pierce your bubble at the office.

How To Write A Performance Appraisal

The appraiser may be any person who observes the employee while performing a job. The appraiser has thorough knowledge about the job content, contents to be appraised, and standards of contents. The appraiser should prepare reports and make judgments without bias. Typical appraisers are supervisors, peers, subordinates, employees themselves, users of service, and consultants.

Supervisors include superiors of the employee, other superiors having knowledge about the work of the employee, and department heads or managers. General practice is that immediate superiors appraise the performance, which in turn is reviewed by the departmental head manager. This is because supervisors are responsible for managing their subordinates and they have the opportunity to observe, direct and control the subordinate continuously. Moreover, they are accountable for the successful performance of their subordinates. On the negative side, immediate supervisors, may emphasis certain aspects of employee performance to the neglect of others. Also, managers have been known to manipulate evaluations to justify their decisions on pay increases and promotions.

Peer appraisal may be reliable if the work group is stable over a reasonably long period of time and performs tasks that require interaction. However, little research has been conducted to determine how peers establish standards for evaluating others or the overall effect of peer appraisal on the group’s attitude. The concept of having superiors rated subordinates is being used in most organizations today, especially in developed countries. For instance in most US universities students evaluate a professor’s performance in the classroom. Such a novel method can be useful in other organizational settings too, provided the relationships between superiors and subordinates are cordial.

If individuals understand the objectives they are expected to achieve and the standards by which they are to be evaluated, they are to a great extent in the best position to appraise their own performance. Employee performance in service organizations relating to behaviors, promptness, speed in doing the job and accuracy, can be better judged by the customers or users of services.

Tips on How to Handle Conflict in the Workplace

Things appear to be fine in your organization. There is a sense of calm flowing above the cubicles. Employees are interacting in a respectful way and are working well as a team.

Then your company lands a huge new contract. Everyone is working overtime. Voices are rising and fingers are pointing. The majority of your day is spent playing referee. You walk outside to see if there is a full moon in sight. When you return, there is another employee in your office waiting to complain about a co-worker.

Conflict in the workplace is inevitable. When you throw a group of people together, in close quarters, differences are bound to surface. But, the news is not all bad. Some conflict in the organization can be beneficial. Differences of opinion encourage creativity, change and progress. If addressed early, conflict can also provide insight into larger issues that may be brewing.

Sources of conflict

When situations get out of control, they can be difficult to address. Familiarizing yourself with the following common sources of conflict will help you to diffuse situations before they occur:

Lack of clarity - Employees wind up in turf wars when boundaries aren’t clearly defined. A well-written job description, along with clearly defined reporting relationships can help prevent this situation.

Limited resources - In today’s environment where people are asked to do more with less, there is often conflict over time, money, supplies and even space. When you observe conflict in the workplace, determine if employees have adequate resources to do their work. Whenever possible, include employees in the resource allocation process. This will provide them with a better understanding of how allocation decisions are made in your organization.

Conflicts of interest - Individuals fighting for personal goals and losing sight of organizational goals can create quite a ripple in the organization. Continually remind employees how their personal goals and efforts fit with the organization’s strategic business goals.

Power struggles -The need to control is at the root of many workplace conflicts. Who should have that information? Who should be involved on that project? Who has the corner office? Recognize that power struggles exist. Teach employees how to manage relationships in the organization so they can effectively navigate through political mine fields.

Tips for dealing with conflict

A strong leader gives employees the tools needed to resolve conflict situations on their own, rather than continuously playing the role of referee. Here are some suggestions to help you transition from referee to coach:

· Encourage employees to work things out on their own. Provide them with guidance.
· Ask employees what they’ve done to work out a situation.
· Look for core causes.
· Help the individual focus on specific behaviors, not personality.
· Redirect the person making the complaint back to the individual he or she is having the conflict with and offer suggestions on how to approach this person.
· Request this person give you feedback on how things went. Offer additional feedback, if appropriate.

Since disagreement is inevitable, it makes good business sense to train employees and management on how to effectively deal with conflict in the workplace. Your investment will reap immediate dividends. Employees will spend less time focusing on one another and more time focusing on your customers. Listen closely. Calm has returned to your organization.

Communication Confusion

In Western cultures we use all manner of jargon to communicate. Especially sports analogies. How many times have you used...

• let's get this project over the goal line.
• the deadline is here, throw a Hail Mary Pass.
• this will not be a slam dunk.
• we need a full court press on this!
• there is no "I" in Team.
• that is a sticky wicket.
• is that par for the course?
• where is the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat?
• we are in extra innings.
• it isn't over until it's over.

How many times have you seen that look of confusion or the blank stare on the face of someone with a different culture? How many times have you provided instruction and then discovered that your employees still don't understand? Could you be using jargon to instruct?

Western politics, corporate boardrooms and the guy next door all use these to communicate. But how does that translate across cultures? As Americans we tend to think the rest of the world is on the "same page" (anther one!) as us. Unfortunately, in this global economy, that is far from the truth.

Errors in communication can cost you the "deal" or prolong the decision. You may be perceived as inept or unprepared as well. Neither of these results will benefit you or your company. So what can you do to get a "leg up" on communicating in a multi-cultural environment?

1. Research the culture. The internet is full of information for businesses who want to be successful in a multi-cultural market.
2. Examine your use of jargon. Come up with other ways to say the same thing. For example: change "this will not be a slam dunk" to this will be a difficult task.
3. Do not assume that everyone knows what you are saying. If you do use jargon, use a clarifying sentence after it. i.e. "Is that par for the course? Is that your expectation?"
4. Train your employees in Cultural Communication. Contact Chrome Zebra for a custom course that targets specific cultures.

   Did You Know?

   • In Western cultures purity is symbolized by white (think wedding dress). In Eastern cultures, death is symbolized by white. Never wrap a gift in white.
   • In China red represents luck. In India, red represents purity. Have Chinese employees? Wrap gifts in red!
   • Want a safe color for everyone? Choose blue.
   • In tropical countries green is used to represent danger. Ever hear of a green warning? In Ireland it represents the Catholic religion.